Open Adoption

In 1982, Kathleen Silber and Phyllis Speedlin wrote a groundbreaking book about open adoptions, "Dear Birthmother, Thank You For Our Baby," a book that opened an ongoing dialog that has increased in volume over the years.

Silber and Speedlin present open adoptions as being about love, honesty, trust, and communication. They are child-centered. They are about making a lifelong commitment - and it isn't easy. No lifetime commitment is easy and this one, that brings to the fore our roles as parents - whether by adoption or biology - is one of the most sensitive and complex.

Open adoption is frequently touted as the perfect solution, but although it's often a good thing, it can be difficult. Open adoption should not be marketed to pregnant women as a way to avoid all pain and loss - it doesn't do that. It's still adoption and it still hurts the parents. It may be the best possible solution but that doesn't mean there isn't sadness. And adoptive parents - after the adoption - may feel confused and ambivalent about their roles and how to treat their child's birthmother until they reach a sort of equilibrium.

Love, honesty, trust, and communication - Silber and Speedlin's original premise. The love comes naturally; honesty is a promise we make to our children; trust builds over time. But communication is something each of us can and needs to pursue aggressively. It isn't a passive thing. It isn't going to happen unless we make it happen. And it's the key to the work that needs to be done to keep an adoption open and doing what we hope it will do... bring our children a secure sense of who they are and who they can become.

Learn more about open adoptions.